oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
