Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
