just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
