Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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