I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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