it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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