We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
