i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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