U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
