New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
