I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
