Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
