She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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