I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
