Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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