I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he fucked my hip out of place.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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