I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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