Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
