I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
