Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
