He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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