I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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