I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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