Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
