Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's the barista slut.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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