he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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