its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
