She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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