obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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