I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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