I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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