dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
