My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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