peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
