I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
