Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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