I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
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Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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