I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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