Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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