i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
