It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
