just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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