I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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