I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
