I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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