Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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