my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I need moral support for this bender
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
