I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
