i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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