Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
