what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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