just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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