my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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