He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
