My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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