I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
