She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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